“For over 5 years now I have had the hardest time in my life trying to keep plates spinning as I have struggled to balance a busy job that I love with the needs of those closest to me who I love even more. To say at the start also, I thought/think of myself as a mum (and wife, daughter, friend etc.) but as time has gone on, I recognise that I fit the term “carer” given how critical my presence is to the health of my close family when they are having significant struggles.
I've always worked full time in the NHS and being a carer for family at home crept up on me somehow. But quickly it all became a long-term juggling act which left, and sometimes still leaves, me exhausted. I was already working full time as a clinician and manager, with three children at home and a mum who whilst mostly independent needed me at times of stress/crisis. One of our children was clearly having difficulties, but one day everything suddenly escalated, and we were plunged into the world of accessing Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS), struggles with school and needing to re-think priorities.
As things quickly escalated, demands at work of course remained high yet I felt so overwhelmed by concerns for my youngest son I didn’t want to talk to anyone at work; I was coming to terms with new situations and demands for myself. I would sometimes ask for time off to go to an appointment, but no-one knew how high stakes those appointments felt; how hugely worried I was about the situation, how scared I was and how tired I was from nights awake with a child who was by then so depressed that he couldn’t sleep and we had crisis line numbers on our phones always ready.
A huge pressure was constantly juggling practical demands such as minimising meetings missed, trying for home situation not to impact on clinical work and constantly planning so as minimise disruption at work whilst being as present and truly available as I needed to be at home. I was emotionally exhausted whilst needing to maintain a warm professional presence at work and continue to be responsive and supportive with those I supervise and colleagues in general (and not to burst into tears if someone accidentally said something which triggered thoughts of my home situation or after a particularly difficult night or morning!).
Fairly early on, within a few months, I realised I couldn’t sustain things and talked to my supervisor a bit more about this and had a good look at the policies in place to support me with options for flexible working. For a few months I dropped to a 4-day week. Most appointments were on Mondays, so I took this day off which helped a great deal. As routine appointments reduced, I went back to full time, but it was agreed I could work from home on Mondays for a while. There were always plenty of clinical reports to write and other service development work to do, but as soon as I could, I returned to normal working. The CAMHS services also offered a weekly carer support group on a Tuesday which I attended, making up those hours in the evening.
With the pandemic and more flexible working, some things became slightly easier. Being at home was actually really helpful in terms of being available for all the family (and saved an hour and a half travelling a day too which when there was just never enough time for everything was a huge help). Unfortunately, it ultimately had a negative impact on my son’s mood and set things back for him.
One of the things I found hard throughout was not feeling able to share how stressed and at times upset I was. I held some senior roles during this time and felt I couldn’t say how vulnerable I felt at times, that as a leader I needed to present a certain way. I still find this hard at times. But at some point, during Covid I started having better more regular supervision which I found really containing. And I was able to share a bit more.
For me it helped, when in a meeting, to know that even one other person in that setting knew the context in which I was working and that they would also check in with me routinely. There were a few others in work who knew at least some of what was going on at home too, who I could turn to on a “bad” day/week.
There was no Carer Passport at this time. I have completed this now, even though I am pleased to say things have improved. But my Mum, in the past year has also had serious difficulties which have placed different demands on me in terms of hospital visits and meetings with professionals, setting up care when needed etc. I do find it containing that the passport is there and helpful that if my manager changes then the background and basic information about my situation will be there. But mostly I find it helpful that the needs I have related to being a “carer” are somehow officially recognised.
I should also add that within those 5 years I have also accessed different types of counselling. Early on, when I first told my supervisor at work and reduced my hours for a while I also went to Occupational health and had just a few sessions which really helped me think through my options. About a year later I also referred myself to IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) which again was a real help for me personally.
My story hasn’t ended, life still feels unpredictable in terms of when and where I might be needed, potentially with little notice. But right now, everything is a bit improved. But especially at the moment with my mum (another whole story really) I have signed up for Back up care as who knows when I may need this. I am also part of the staff carer network too which is another source of support and I hope will grow to offer more to more people too.
For now, the last thing I can think of to say is thanks to colleagues who have helped me and that if any of this resonates with you, please do talk to someone you trust, your manager or a colleague or someone in HR or occupational health. Through being a carer, and working for years with carers too, I think we are usually so busy and often overwhelmed that it is hard to prioritise seeking help for ourselves. But it is there and can make a difference, it can make things a bit easier.”
- By Alex W